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Monday, June 21, 2010

I Love Him Too Much

This is what I said at Jace's funeral today.  It did not feel like a celebration of his life to me, but I think it was supposed to.  It felt sad, and right now I feel angry.

This was the balloon send off at the funeral.  

I Love Him Too Much

I read in some of the literature that the hospital gave us that the amount of grief you feel for a person is in direct proportion to the amount of delight that person brought you.  I did not find that sentence very encouraging for my grieving process.  
Donnie, Andrea, and I always argue about how much our left arms are worth.  Andrea rolls her eyes and says she would not cut hers off for any amount of money.  Donnie and I think she’s dumb, and say we would gladly part with ours for an even million.  Today I can tell you that I would gladly give both my arms just to feel Jace hug my neck one more time.
A hug from Jace was more valuable to me than anything else I have ever received.  MY favorite place on earth was sitting in a char holding him while he rested his head on my shoulder.   Every second I spent with him was truly a gift.  My heart swelled with pride every time he would walk up to someone else and blow his boogers on their pants.  I laughed so hard at myself for teaching him to call the cardboard cut out that Val sent me of Edward Cullen, Daddy.  Jace was going to be living proof that all the parenting books worked.  He rarely had tantrums, you could distract him out of most bad behavior, and just say the words time out, and he would run up  and hug you.  He took care of all of us as much as we took care of him.  I miss hearing him scream Stacey! Stacey! Stacey! When I come in the door.  I miss calling him on the phone and him telling me to come play with him or let’s go a Stacey schoo.  Jace loved to sing.  He was a terrible dancer  - it looked more like a weird tribal stomp than anything else, but we loved to watch it. 
Jace introduced me to a new and wonderful side of my parents.  They were his grandparents and they excelled at that job.  He loved them like crazy, and I am proud of what they did for him.  I am proud of what my sister did for Jace and of what he did for her.  I have never seen her be more alive than those first days when she was determined to do everything she could to get Jace healthy. 
Everyone who met Jace loved him.  He was generous with his love.   Jace combined the phrases I love you too and I love you so much into “I love you too much.”  And he did love us too much.  I am proud that he loved me so much and I am proud that I got the chance to love him mosty mosty.   Which was how he always won the I love you more argument. 
Lately I’d been looking forward to the days when I would get to show Jace the mountains and the ocean and Disney world.  I was consulting with other therapists on how we could desensitize him from him fear of things that move and make noise.  He would run screaming from remote control cars, so I was worried A Small World would be his worst nightmare.  Those moments will never happen.  They  were stolen from me, but I will get something even better.   I wanted to show Jace all those things but now he will get to show me around heaven instead. 
When we were in the hospital we prayed and you prayed that God would heal Jace.  I just knew that if he was ok – it would be such a miracle.  That people would believe.  That he would help so many people with his life.  But you know what – God did heal his body.  God did give him eternal life.  And he has already helped people.  There have been stories of people hugging their kids more, of looking at life differently, of reaching out to Jesus. 
There isn’t a reason this happened.  God did not take Jace from us.  God did not ignore our cries for help.  The devil is a liar.  The devil is the enemy.  Satan took Jace from us.  It is time to fight back.  This didn’t happen to us SO we could help others, but we will help others because this happened.  Good will come from it.  I’m not going to ask you for money today.  I promise I will do that later.  Today I’m asking you to fight with us.  To fight the injustice in a world where children are hurt.  To answer their cries for help before they are laying in a hospital bed.  To be a voice for the kids that can’t be heard.  I can’t do it by myself.  I have been working for years to reach a child here and a family there.  I have helped some, but this is not enough.  Oklahoma is among the worst in the nation for violence against children.   We have to do more.  Good people have to stand up and say this has to change.  Then after they say it they have to put their words into actions.  Please don’t forget Jace.  Please help us make his life count for something.  Don’t forget about him next week when there is laundry to be done or sports to watch on TV.  Keep Jace in your heart.  Jace touched all our lives with his smile and his joy – don’t let that stop.  Help him reach more.  Keep standing with us and fighting the darkness on his behalf.  Start by giving your entire hearts to loving  your own children, protecting them, and teaching them that they are children of God.  You have the opportunities we don’t now – don’t take that for granted. 
We all want Justice for Jace, but most of all he deserves to be honored by our lives.  He gave us so many gifts, but I think if there was one last thing he could give you it would be, and I quote his words – “Jesus and God.”  One of the videos we watched over and over together talked about “The Hope of Easter” 
This hope means Jace isn’t dead.  It means he’s alive, dancing off beat and singing as loud as he can.  Jace understood the simplicity of child like faith – he understood that he was “A child of God” and that “Jesus makes us all better.”  If this is not something you have figured out on your own yet – it is time to start believing with us.  For years I have been telling my family that I am always right.  They are finally starting to believe me.  Let me remind you – I am always right –And I’m right when I tell you that God is alive.  Jesus died because he loves you too much and more than you need anything else – you need his love in your life.  I stand before you as living proof that following Jesus does not make life easy – but Jace was right,   Jesus makes it better. 

30 comments:

  1. This is beautiful and I can feel how much you all love him. I am glad you all have had so much support this past week and I hope you know that all of it will remain for the days, weeks, months and years to come. Love to your whole family and that sweet, Baby Jace!

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  2. Simply beautiful, I can't stop crying now. Jace has touched my life. ((HUGS))

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  3. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!! You are such a talented writer. Thank you for sharing your love of Jace with us. I had goosebumps reading about your faith and trust in God. You are a good person Stacey and have many people that are here to support you!

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  4. I saw your post on my friend, Natalie's FB page. I don't even know you. I hope that it was okay to read your story, anyway. In this way, your sweet Jace has touched MY life. Thanks for writing it out for me to see and take stock.
    Thanks again,
    Missy Silagyi

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  5. I never had the privilege of meeting Jace but I will never forget him. Since the first time I heard his story I cant stop thinking about him and telling other people his story, he was such a strong little man! The first time I read your blog I stopped and started praying before I even had a chance to finish reading. We pray for you and your family at nap time , bed time, and in between! I live in Texas but if there is anything I can do to help you and your family please let me know.
    randidsauer@yahoo.com

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  6. This is so great... I am glad I was able to be there today. I, too, have segwayed into anger...The person who did this should never have the chance to do this to another child...

    Loving Jace more than my anger is taking hold...but it's a battle... b/c I want justice for him. It wont bring him back, but it will save others. And it will prove Oklahoma doesnt stand for such atrocities to children...

    Love you. Love your whole family.

    -Jax

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  7. I don't have the words to express my deep sorrow for your loss. Jace will live on in our hearts forever. He will not be forgotten. I am so proud of the way you are dealing with this stacy. I know that this will be an ongoing decision each day to make the choice to not let Satan have this. God is doing amazing things through this. You will continue to be in my prayers.
    Lisa Burkett Read

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  8. The service today was a wonderful tribute to Jace. The sharing of personal pictures, family outings, the videos and Leslie's journal to Jace speaks volumes about your family values. I am honored to watch the beautiful women you Stacy, and Leslie have become. You do have a talent with words and I hope you will consider writing a book in your time. Thoughts and prayers forever. Marge Green

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  9. Stacey,
    I've been praying for you and your family. Jace sounds like he was an incredible little boy and more in love with Jesus than most Christian adults I know. I will continue to lift you all up as you face the next steps in your lives. My heart is breaking for you guys. Thank you for your honesty on this blog and for sharing Jace's life with us all. I know this story has touched so many people. I can't wait to see who gets to join us in heaven because of Jace's life and your constant faith!
    Miss you and your contagious smile! I didn't realize how long it had been since I've seen you, but I hope I get to see you again soon!
    Love,
    Alison Chapman

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  10. She is walking streets of gold, with a diamond crown on, smiling ...thinking of you.........

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  11. I really appreciate your honesty in expressing both your feelings of simultaneous joy at your remarkable, glorious memories of Jace and your time with him, as well as your gut-wrenching grief at your profound loss of his earthly life and loneliness for his joyous presence. I don't know you personally but I so wish that there was something I could do that could really make you feel better, even for awhile. You're definitely in my prayers. I feel helpless from here but if there is anything you can think of that any of us "out of staters" can do to help you and your family, please do say so...I keep up with your blogs and am friends with you on facebook (my name is Ilia Dembe). I really have been hugging my children tighter and praising God for them even more than usual lately. You are right that they are glorious gifts, never to be taken for granted. And you were such a gift to Jace and many children in your dedication to helping them.

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  12. "Jacer" - Jace - He was celebrated and enjoyed in life and today His life was celebrated. To all who spoke - Thank you! This was not about the event that ended his life; it was all about the life he lived and cherished with each one of you and more. Now he smiles and laughs knowing Jesus personally. His thoughts aren't with the sadness and anger. Our thoughts should reflect what he enjoyed most - life and the fact that he belonged to God. His enjoyment of the people he loved was evident today - he would not want you to be unhappy. Jace would want you to sing and dance and remember the joy you all shared with him. (this is a sad time and will be for sometime) When you begin to hear laughter and little children singing, you will smile again and remember a strong little boy, full of love, curiosity, giggles, dancing, singing, rocking and words for everything! I agree with Jace,
    "Jesus will make you better"!! Love to you all!

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  13. how beautiful..I can just feel your love for him through your sweet words.praying for you and your family..xoxo..

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  14. You are a wonderful writer, and I hope you keep the blog up. I am one of those people that you were talking about in the beginning of this blog. I thought my life had come to an end last week when I lost my job. The day that I said, "This day couldn't get any worse," was the same day that I read on Leslie's facebook that Jace would be taken off life support. I have a 3 year old myself, and through your words ... I found strength last week. I got up, got a new job, and realized that the little moments with my son can not be replaced ... but a job can! To have such an amazing faith in God in the middle of your darkest hour is a real inspiration to me. I have prayed harder, hugged longer, and just stopped to enjoy the little moments in life. Leslie, I hope you read these comments ... I'm going to miss you on facebook (I'm taking a hiatus) so I hope you guys keep this blog going. Thank you for your words, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Leslie, I'm sorry I couldn't make it today. You are still in my thoughts every day.

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  15. .... also, we are Veggie Tale fans. I will always think of you guys every time the theme song comes on now! ;)

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  16. As I read all your stories of Jace....Veggie Tales, I love you TOO much.....I can't help seeing my son. Grant and Jace would have been great friends, they have a lot in common...including knowing Leslie from the very beginning! She brought my son to me in my hospital room....she took care of him in NICU....she took care of me. We know first hand what a wonderful person your sister is......and I can only imagine, after reading your posts, that you are pretty amazing yourself! Jace was blessed to know and love you......and to be introduced to the love of God. We will not forget. We will hug a little tighter...hold a little longer....appreciate everything a little more. Praying for your peace and comfort!

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  17. I have been following the blog through a friend of mine, Mandy, and just want to say that this is so heartbreaking. I have been clinging extra tight to my baby since I read the first blog. I am a victim advocate for a domestic violence shelter and fight every day to make a difference in the lives of those torn apart by abuse. I have been praying for Jace and your family every day. I have been thanking the Lord for my family and my son. I will continue to pray that the Lord will comfort your family and friends and that justice will be served. I pray that Jace's life will keep you all pressing on with your lives until that sweet day when you will run and play with him again. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  18. Thank you so much for posting this. I really wanted to attend the funeral, but decided not to since I would have to bring my 4 children.I didn't think they would be able to handle or understand the death of a child so well. Thank you for posting this and giving us another glimpse of Jace's light. Your family will be in my prayers during the hardship over the coming months..

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  19. I will never forget Jace! He has made a big difference in my life. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I thought I appreciated my son more than anything but Jace's story has made me appreciate him even more! I look forward to meeting Jace one day and giving him a big hug!

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  20. I am so sorry for your loss. And you are right, God did heal Jace in the most incredible way possible! I look forward to meeting him one day.

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  21. Once again I find myself at my desk reading your blog and crying, I am crying because my heart hurts for you and your family, because your words are beautiful and inspiring, and because I know that there are so many children that need to be loved and not hurt. Jace's story has had such an impact on me and I thank you for sharing. My heart and prayers are still sitting with you.

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  22. Wish I could have met little Jace! Thank you for sharing the beautiful things about his life! And thank you for sharing the truth... "Jesus makes it all better."

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  23. Stacey,
    I am an old friend (NOT a friend that's old:) of your Auntie Margaret.
    I have read your blogs since the beginning of this tragedy. i LOVE that
    you are determined to help other little ones to remind us of Jace, and
    to honor his memory.
    You DO have a gift of words and expression, and in my thoughts and
    prayers for you entire family, I hope that you will continue to use this
    gift from the Lord.
    May HE bless you all with His peace that does pass our understanding,
    and with His comforting arms around you.
    Much love, susi

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  24. I have just read your story and can say he has blessed my life and your testimony has too. My husband and I two years ago adopted a cocaine addicted baby and we were told by several people to be careful of what we were getting ourselves into. Our son is a complete joy in our lives and God has put him there and healed him. My family and I will pray for you, because we too have lost a child almost 6 years ago and the pain that seared through our heart I thought would never go away. The pain is still there and I look at kids that are Cameron's age and wonder what he would be like today too. Though the sorrow may last for the night HIS joy comes in the morning. Jesus is faithful and He alone is my rock and fortress. Many prayers and blessings to you!

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  25. also one other thing that people told us when we lost Cameron was yes that God wanted him and we knew that wasn't the case...I agree with you whole heartedly on that...John 10:10 tells us it is the devil who comes to kill, steal and destroy. God came to give life and give it more abundantly and it seems that he is still doing that through Jace's life.

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  26. I was so touched by your veggietales story, that I forwarded a link of your blog to the customer care reps at Big Idea, the makers of VeggieTales.

    I thanked all their employees for the work that they do, communicating a message of love and God to all children.

    I thought you might like to read the response I got back:

    Dear David,

    Thank you for taking the time to send us Jace's incredibly touching story. We are humbled and honored to know that our VeggieTales have touched someone in this way. Again, thank you for sending this message.

    Blessings!

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  27. My heart is broken for you. There are no words....

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  28. I am sorry for your loss and your words couldn't have said it better. Ive cried for Jace and Justice. I will remember God Bless You

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  29. everyday I come on here to hear more stories of jace and how he has blessed many and loves God. I feel through these stories I am getting to know a little boy that I haven't met yet. Jace has touched my life,, my heart and my soul. I reach out and hug my kids more, kiss them on top of the head because as teenagers they don't want kisses. I love them more and more and thakns to Jace, it has made me realize because my kids are teenagers we drifted and its time to get taht back. Thats the Good that has come out of all of this. Now I pray that jace gets the justice he deserves and that you all can grieve and be ok with the lose of jace because your right the devil took that little man from this world. May GOd Bless you all.

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