Saturday, June 26, 2010

I Didn't Understand. Now I Do.

I’ve been counseling children and families for a little over four years now.  I’ve talked to a lot of people who have lost loved ones, and many whose losses were due to violent crimes.  It’s the nature of the areas I work in.  Right now I feel like I need to go back and apologize to every child and every mom who I gave “grief” counseling to.  I feel like I need to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness from my best friend who lost both her parents.  I had no idea how overwhelming and all consuming the pain was.  I didn’t understand what sad felt like until now.  

I keep trying to put it out of my mind.  I take little vacations from the heart ache where I can concentrate on work or talking to someone about something else.  But under the surface there is a constant dull ache.  A pain somewhere below my heart and above my stomach that hasn’t gone away yet.  I don’t know if it will.  I’m afraid it won’t.  Then when I’m driving or when I first wake up in the morning, it hits me like a punch in the gut.  My life will never be the same.  I will never hold him again or kiss his owies or sing songs with him.  How can that be possible?  How can this really have happened?  

I’m trying to handle this right.  I’m trying to make good out of the bad, but every second right now is just really really hard.  I have counseled other people , “You just know this is going to be a hard time, and you have to let yourself be sad.  It is the right time to be sad.  But the hard time won’t last forever.  It will get better.”  I really hope I didn’t lie. 

To sum it up:  THIS ALL  SUCKS. 

On the other hand: God is still good.  


  1. Stacey, my heart breaks for you. It isn't fair and yes it does suck!! Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and am still praying for some sort of comfort in all this chaos.
    Kelly B.

  2. Stacey, I love you so much - or should I say "too much!" Every feeling you describe, every question you ask is exactly the same for me. I want it to hurry up and stop hurting so much, but will it ever? I still can't believe this is even real. I want to feel good about something, anything! I want my Jace back.
    XOXO, Mom

  3. Stacey, I am a friend of you Mom's. Words won't make it better or change anything. They will only convey that someone cares. I lost both my parents within a year (Dad in 2004 and Mom in 2005.) I still have "blue" days where something reminds me of them and I still cry. I am crying right now remembering and knowing what the pain is that you are going through. I haven't lost a child, but I imagine the pain is even greater. You have my sincere condolences and my constant prayers that God will help.

  4. I learned that when your dealing with someone elses pain it isn't anything like your own and you know what to say and what to do for them. However when dealing with your own hurt,pain,fears and grieve your lost at what to do. My heart goes out to you and I will continue to pray that you can get through this. I can't tell you I know how hard it is but I can tell you this story has touched me and I am willing to help out in any way to make people aware that there are people out there that harm our precious babies. Hold on to God right now and let him hold you and guide you through all this. Again I will hug my children and tell them I love them everyday. Teenagers or not, this touched me in ways I can't even imagine, so I can't begin to know what your going through. May God bless you and keep you in his arms until you can be ok, and remember its ok to be angry,mad,hurt and any other emotion you have, just let God guide you.

  5. I lost my mother thirty-nine years ago, and there are still days that I cry for her. I pray that she is in Heaven, but I don't know. But we KNOW Jace is in Heaven and is safe in the arms of Jesus. Praise God that you have that you know that with certainty. Roy and I am praying for you and your family. We pray that our Heavenly Father holds you and comforts you.

  6. I heard about Jace a week ago, I read the news stories, and as I scroll through your stories of Jace I am wiping tears from my eyes. I am a foster parent and recently adopted Jace's half brother. I have no words of comfort that would be enough and all I can say is as your extended family in Christ our hearts hurt with you. If there is anything we can do now or in the future for you, we are here and our hearts grieve with you.
    Love and Prayers,

  7. I know what you mean when you say 'this doesn't seem real.' There are days when I wake up and think "I need to call mom." She's been gone since May of 2002. It doesn't go away. You learn to cope with the pain. Nobody knows your pain. Not really. Well...I take that back. Jesus knows your pain and His love surrounds you.

  8. thinking about you and praying for you all today.
    Traci (Stevenson) Chandler

  9. I truly believe there is no loss such as that of a child..its not naturaly to bury our children..we're not made to handle this sort of advice is allow yourself to grieve, to miss him, to cry for him..there will be a day when you will smile again..the pain is constant, but you just find a way to live with it..still praying.xo

  10. Still thinking about you guys and praying for you.

    I hadn't thought about veggietales since I was fresh out of college and my friends and I were singing Silly Songs with Larry. Don't ask. We were bored, and I think there was alcohol involved.

    Anyways, after reading your post, my wife and I bought our boys some veggietales videos. They absolutely love them.

    When we ate at Olive Garden this weekend, our 3-year old thought we were eating at "the veggietale place" because they have cartoonish vegetables on their kids menu.

    Hang in there.

  11. I have been reading your blog since I heard Jace's story. I am sorry for what you are going through. Your writing is incredible and make Jace bigger than life to those of us who did not know him. You are giving Jace a voice and there will be positive changes because of you. Your faith in GOD is incredible and amazing. Let HIM continue to help you through this. I am praying for you and your family.

  12. you & your family are in our prayers. I know that
    no one can take away the pain by God loves you & your family, he will help you in this time f heart ache. I too miss seeing my little friend Jace at therapy. It breaks my heart knowing that I will not be able to see his smiling face & his
    wave to me when he saw me. We are praying for all
    of you & your family.

    Gay Lynn Myers