I’ve been counseling children and families for a little over four years now. I’ve talked to a lot of people who have lost loved ones, and many whose losses were due to violent crimes. It’s the nature of the areas I work in. Right now I feel like I need to go back and apologize to every child and every mom who I gave “grief” counseling to. I feel like I need to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness from my best friend who lost both her parents. I had no idea how overwhelming and all consuming the pain was. I didn’t understand what sad felt like until now.
I keep trying to put it out of my mind. I take little vacations from the heart ache where I can concentrate on work or talking to someone about something else. But under the surface there is a constant dull ache. A pain somewhere below my heart and above my stomach that hasn’t gone away yet. I don’t know if it will. I’m afraid it won’t. Then when I’m driving or when I first wake up in the morning, it hits me like a punch in the gut. My life will never be the same. I will never hold him again or kiss his owies or sing songs with him. How can that be possible? How can this really have happened?
I’m trying to handle this right. I’m trying to make good out of the bad, but every second right now is just really really hard. I have counseled other people , “You just know this is going to be a hard time, and you have to let yourself be sad. It is the right time to be sad. But the hard time won’t last forever. It will get better.” I really hope I didn’t lie.
To sum it up: THIS ALL SUCKS.
On the other hand: God is still good.