Monday, October 18, 2010

Looking at the Moon

I am sorry I stopped blogging.  Sometimes it hurts too much to think.  To try and sum up something so precious like Jace's life in a few words seems cruel.  It is hard right now to think about even the happy memories, because each happy memory compounds the depth of the loss - the great chasm in the world.  The place where Jace belongs but no longer is.  I can't think about the the happy memories and be happy to have them yet, they all just scream at me that Jace isn't here.

Some times I feel loved and supported by friends and strangers.  Like they are holding me up when I don't have strength to stand.  Other times I feel completely and utterly alone.  Like no one knows and no one cares and no one wants to be bothered with my sorrow.  People say dumb and insensitive things.  That doesn't bother me that much, because I know there is nothing that is right to say.  Other people stop saying anything at all.  They act like it never happened or expect me to act normal.  I still feel like nothing will will ever be normal again.  Not the morning, not the night, not my family, not my heart, not even God.  Nothing in the world will ever be normal.  A small part of me thinks this isn't true.  I hope it isn't true, but the sting of the loss seems to hurt more with time so far and not less.

Friends and family feel distant.  It is a hard thing to really carry another's burden, and hopefully this will teach me how to do that for others.

Right now I'm still too sad to save the world or fight the darkness.  The best I can do is not to let it swallow me whole.  The time will come though.  The weight of this pain will lessen and we will move forward.

Today we had court.  The preliminary hearing.  The Doctor and the Detective testified and gave the judge enough evidence for him to say there will be a murder trial.  Murder.  I shouldn't be at a murder trial.  This should be on Dateline or in a novel.

When we first got Jace we worried he might die.  If only his lungs or his health problems would have grown worse and he would have died that way - it would have been bitter sweet.  We would have been sad, but we could take solace in the fact that we made his days on earth sweeter for the short time he was here.  But for him to be murdered takes away all reason and most of the peace.  He was stolen from us.  A million different things could have happened differently and he would still be here.  But wishing him back won't work, and no matter how hard I pray to wake up and find him alive, I think that may be a mountain God won't move.

I know this is depressing.  I didn't mean to write all that.  I just feel so bad.  Really really bad.  I just miss him every minute.  I can't wake up without crying and I can't go to bed without crying.  During the day I have to try and forget about him or I won't make it through work.

I cry every single night lately when I take the dog for a walk.  The moon has been out and visible in the sky.  Jace loved to look for the moon.

One day early in the morning I was driving him to grandma's house when he said from the backseat, "Look, Stacey, a ball."

He was pointing out the car window to the moon still hanging in the early morning sky.  I explained to him the moon comes out when the sun goes to sleep and then the moon goes night night while the sun is awake.  The rest of the car ride he was looking for and pointing at the moon.  From then on almost every night we went outside and looked at the moon, or for the  moon.  Sometimes it was hiding.  I hope at night when I see the moon now, he is looking at it too and remembering me.  I'll never see it and not remember him.

I love you too much, Jace.