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Monday, July 12, 2010

It's not Fair

It’s not fair that God answers other people’s prayers and not mine. It’s not fair that when other people face losses, they have husbands and kids to hug them. It’s not fair that more bad things happen to me than anyone else. It’s not fair that Jace was the only good thing in our lives, and he was stolen from us. It’s not fair that we rescued him only for him to be murdered later. It’s not fair that I have to cry while everyone else is happy. It’s not fair that my world has ended, and everyone else’s is still turning. It’s not fair that some people can eat a lot and be skinny. It’s not fair that everything works out for some people and nothing works out for me. It’s not fair that my dad has cancer. It’s not fair that my immune system is attacking itself. It’s not fair that the day before Jace died I thought life was finally looking up. It’s not fair that I work with parents who don’t take good care of their children but those kids will all get to grow up. It’s not fair that my mom doesn’t get to be a grandma. It’s not fair that I had to be Jace’s aunt and not his mom. It’s not fair that when my friends talk about their kids I don’t have one to talk about. It’s not fair that when I do talk about Jace, everyone acts awkward. It’s not fair that the person who loved me more than anyone else is dead. It’s not fair that the person I loved more than anyone else is dead. It’s not fair that no one ever listens to me. It’s not fair that I have to hurt so much. It’s not fair that I have to question God. It’s not fair that people I thought cared about me act like nothing happened. It’s not fair that Jesus gets to hold Jace, and I don’t. It’s not fair that some people’s lives seem easy. It’s not fair that people whose lives seem easy think they have it bad. It’s not fair that I have to rely on myself. It’s not fair that I don’t have more vacation time. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

End Tantrum.

People always say to do what your heart tells you. That’s not possible for me right now. My heart is broken. It’s not working right. My heart feels like no one cares, like I’m all alone, like the sun will never come out, like God has abandoned me. So I’m living by what I know – not what I feel. I know I am loved. I know nothing can separate me from the love of God. I know it will not always hurt this much. I know good will win.

17 comments:

  1. Oh Stacey my heart aches for you. Your right it is not fair!! No one should have to experience the pain and grief you and your family are going through. Just know that you have people all over praying for you and your family.
    Kelly B

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  2. You're right Stacey, it's not fair. None of this is fair. In fact, it stinks. It's horrible. It's a nightmare. It's heartbreaking and there is nothing anyone can do about it, but wish for it to all go away. I'm sorry you feel all of this. I'm sorry this happened to your whole family. I'm sorry you have to hurt. I'm sorry Leslie's world is shattered. I'm sorry your mom and dad have to know the pain of losing a grandchild. I'm sorry you're sick and I'm sorry your dad is sick. I'm sorry you want to be skinny, but know that being skinny doesn't bring happiness, no matter how much you think it does. This would all hurt just as much even if you were only 85 pounds. I'm angry that all of this has happened to your family. I'm angry that people don't understand. I'm angry for your family and I wish I could make things better. Please know that you are always on my mind, even if you don't know me all that well. Please know that I am pulling for your whole family and hoping that you all get through this and make it to the point when things still hurt, but are much easier to deal with on a daily basis.

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  3. Stacy your right its not FAIR!!! I am sorry I just wish I could take away the pain. My heart still aches for you, Leslie & your parents. I am amazed by the strength of you & your family. Please know that you are loved & so was Jace. I know from the death of my younger brother that talking about Jace will help with the loss, it will still hurt just maybe a little less. Keep the faith. Julie S.

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  4. It's not fair. And I wish more than anything that I had the power to make it fair. If I could, I'd turn back time and stop Jace from ever being hurt. I'd stop the person who's already had too many chances to make better choices from having yet another opportunity to hurt an innocent.

    But I can't turn back time, as much as I wish I could. All I can do is offer to help, in any way I can, to ensure that some larger, cosmic balance of fairness is restored through the pursuit of justice against the person who hurt Jace.

    I know I don't have to remind you of Job. You're certainly going through your own set of trials, and I believe that you will come through them stronger and more secure in your faith.

    Anything. Anytime.

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  5. Stacey, You don't know me, but you graciously allowed me to be your "friend" on facebook--because I care about you. You are very courageous to be able to write as you do. God can "handle it." You probably don't realize how much you are helping many people through your honesty, much as David did when he wrote some of the Psalms--in his grief or anger.

    Thank you for helping us all to bear up under trials that may not be anywhere near as hard as yours, but self-pity or murmuring can afflict even the most blessed. . . you're right.

    Since we are told to bear one another's burdens, I wish I knew how to help you bear yours. Meanwhile, I will keep praying for you and ask God to pour the blessings--some recompense--into your life soon, soon, soon. Sounds like you have many who love you and pray for you. Thank God.

    May God grant you peace and healing, and may He allow you to enter into the deep fellowship of the sufferings of Christ . . . His blood shed for the degradation of the human race. The astounding mystery . . . His forgiveness unto us. May He give you the mind of Christ and expand your heart, your trust, as you allow Him to take you through this fire. God bless you, dear one to Him.

    Lesa

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  6. Stacey - my heart still breaks for you and your family. You are right it's not fair. . . I have nothing to say other than there are a lot of people out there that still care and think of you and are praying for you. If you ever need anything, let me know.

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  7. I lost two children at two different times, due to very different reasons. Neither was expected, and I was only 26 and 27 when they both died. I know how you feel. Yes, I was left with three living children, but it's not the same. God will see you through this, and it does take time, it takes soooo much time to see that. It's never easy, but one day you will understand that you are okay to continue. You will never get over the loss or love, but you will go on to do something great.

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  8. I'm listening Stace. I log onto the Blog multiple times a day to see if there is something new. I'll never forgot the time I stayed the night w/ you because you were going to be home alone. It was briefly after you survived the shooting. I remember laying there next to you knowing you were hurting and not having any words to take it away. That is how I feel now. I have no words to take it away but when you are ready to talk I will listen. I cry with you. I love you so much! Cry it out! I'm listening....

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  9. Stacey. We pray for you and Leslie EVERY NIGHT. For strength; for peace; for understanding. I love you and Leslie so very much; but God loves you more. And you are right. Alot in life does not seem fair. We hurt. We cry. We lose loved ones. We don't know why. But, one day, all the pieces to the puzzle will be filled in and the picture will become complete. We will keep praying. Love, Jenny Duncan

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  10. Life isn't fair at times especially like this.. Lets look at what is fair -
    Jace gets to dance and laugh and run in heaven. Jace gets to look down at you and his Momma and Grandma and Papa and blow kisses everyday. He doesn't know your pain but he knows his kisses will reach you one day and you will see him laughing and playing with his belly button and having fun. He knows one day he will receive your love and kisses sent in a bouquet to his playroom in heaven; when that happens God will give you peace. No you will never forget or completely stop crying; you will however enjoy life through others and continue to share God's love with others. You and your family are precious thats why God gave you three years of outstanding, everlasting love from a tiny little baby. Behold the beauty of God's creation! You did! Love and continued prayers!

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  11. And it's not fair I can't be there to give you a hug.

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  12. I wish we were friends. I do not know the pain of the loss of a child, but I know loss. I remember feeling so raw and exposed and I couldn't understand why some people were so awkward around me. You need someone to just let you cry or scream or talk...whatever it is in that moment. You need people to just say his name so you will know that he hasn't been forgotten by the rest of the world. I promise you. I will say his name. JACE! I tell people he was my little neighbor but I didn't have the chance to know him, or you and Leslie. I will never forget the night I saw the ambulance and fire truck stop in front of your house. I sent up a prayer, even though I had no idea what had happened. I'll never forget how upset I was when I saw it was "the baby" that was carried out and put on the stretcher. I'll never forget you.

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  13. I don't personally know you, but I read your words and I can feel your pain. I will continue to follow you and your stories of jace an listen to you while you hurt. Sometimes your right life just isn't fair but soon I hope your heart heals some. I know you will always miss jace always cry and always wonder why there are evil people in this world that hurt precious gifts from God. My heart goes out to you, I don't know the pain you feel but my heart did break when you lost Jace and I too beleive it was unfair. May God stay with you in your time of darkness and pain.

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  14. thinking of you, thanks for being so honest with your emotions. Lifting you guys all in prayer.
    -Traci

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  15. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. We have not forgotten and will continue to lift you up.

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  16. Stacey ~ Everytime I read your newest blog entry, I am so sorry that before now I never knew you had the talent of writing! You have the ability to put down on paper how many of us feel daily about circumstances in our lives too. We just never have the nerve to expose our lives to others like you are with this blog. For doing this, I see a strong, sensitive, but assertive young lady who has talent to give power to your passion and make others want to keep hearing from you! I can't even compare to have known the kind of loss you mourn, and I hope and pray I never do. But, meanwhile, you are shedding light to all of us, just in case someday we need to draw on your same passion. Jace is surely proud of you tonight!!!

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