Sorry for the lapse in updating. My sister and I went with my parents to St. Louis for the long weekend. Getting away from it all with four really sad and grouchy people wasn’t exactly a vacation, but no one got hurt. Tuesday morning my dad had an appointment at the Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital to discuss a stem cell transplant. (Not the controversial stem cells – they get these from grownups). My dad has Myelodysplastic syndrome which is a blood and bone marrow cancer. This transplant is the only way to “cure” him, but it in itself is very risky.
I’m sure you can imagine my family’s stress at the possibility of two huge losses in one year. Right now it’s really hard to pray and believe for miracles, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to. The thing about God is that he knows the big picture. You know how when you were in middle school that girl named ____ made your life a living hell? You thought it couldn’t possibly be any worse. You thought the world was over. You thought the pain would never end. Now looking back at middle school, I bet it is barely a blip on your radar.
Now I can smile as I remember the time I fell walking home from the bus stop, and the boy I liked asked me if I had a nice trip. I didn’t think it was funny then. But the horrors of middle school came and went, and now in the big picture of my life – those things that happened weren’t really that big of a deal. I bet that’s what our present lives are like to God. It’s almost scary to think about, but compared to eternity our earthly lives are barely going to be a blip on the radar. Right now everything hurts, but one day when I’m happy and free and skinny in heaven – all this pain isn’t going to matter so much anymore. So even if everything in this world falls apart – it’s going to get better. It won’t last forever. It’s temporary.
Still – I want to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. (That’s in the Bible)
Every night before Jace went to bed he would pray. He would do the usual thanking God for all the people he could think of – Thank you for Mommy, thank you for Stacey, thank you for Gama, thank you for Papa, thank you for Anoo, thank for Manda, thank you for aunt Nancy, thank you for Jack (the dog), thank you for Camon, thank you for Dani, thank you for Tommy, thank you for Domi – ique, thank you for the gas man (the plummer), thank you for Miss Sandy, thank you for Miss Pat, Thank you for Donnie, thank you for Ani – a, thank you for Regan, thank for Cracker (Kiefer sounded just like cracker – I don’t know???), thank you for Mickey Mouse, thank you for my ears, thank you for my monster truck, thank you for my dino. At the end of his very long thanks, he would always end his prayer – “And please make Papa all better.”
My mom told me that she is pretty sure Jace is telling Jesus to make Papa all better now. I can picture him tugging on Jesus’ pants (I think he probably wears pants now – it’s the 21st century) and telling him, “Hey! Make Papa all better, RIGHT NOW!” He was going through a bossy stage right before he died.
I still miss him every second. I wonder if life will ever be ok again. I still wake up every morning hoping this isn’t real. The pain is so sharp and so acute that I tend to start balling at random moments – like right now when I’m sitting in Starbucks typing this. For those close to us – I know it’s hard and awkward, but thank you for your hugs and your time and your help. It can’t be fun to be around people who periodically break down and cry and talk about weird things and tell you stories about a dead kid, but we need it. Thanks for reading this. It helps me to write it.