Go Ahead and Try to Stop Me

Notes:  There are few things I want to tell you about Jace and about what my family is going through.  Some things I can say now, some things will have to wait until later. 

Cody Sartin plead not guilty to first degree murder, and the preliminary hearing has been set for August 10^th.

A few times in my life I have felt like I stood in the presence of greatness.  The governor came and had lunch with me at school when I was 16.  I touched Oral Robert’s head once when I sat behind him in the Mabee Center (just to say I did it). I met the mom of Rachel Scott who stood up for Jesus during the Columbine shootings.  I got the thumb print autograph of one of the men who killed the missionary Jim Elliot and later became a believer in God.  I went to a New Kids on the Block Concert when I was 12.  All of those were trumped today by an 8 year old girl. 

I am friends with the grandma and mom of the Broken Arrow Angel, a little girl who was kidnapped and sexually abused three years ago.  This family has shown amazing strength and dignity in the midst of this nightmare, and I have respected their faith and perseverance.  Today, I was in the court room with them when the man who did this was sentenced to six life sentences plus 40 something yearsfor what he did to this little girl.  Everyone was nervous when the little girl got up to read her statement to the judge and the perpetrator.  She didn’t look nervous at all.  She looked powerful.  I wish I could accurately describe the way the girl stood up, read her statement, and with the last sentence, looked directly at the man who hurt her and said with stern determination, “I'm going to be what God wants me to be and nothing's stopping me, especially you!”

It was so freaking awesome.  I wanted to stand up and clap, but no one else did, so I cried instead.  This family  didn’t let what happened destroy them.  They fought back.  They are overcoming.  They are letting good come from evil.  What you do when you’re handed something awful in life is your choice.  Whether someone in your family is killed, you get diagnosed with cancer, you lose your job, or your baby wakes you up at 4 am every morning, you decide what you do next. 

When your family member gets murdered, you can run to God or away from him.  I’m running to him.

When your family member gets murdered, you can you can let your anger consume you, or you can let it fuel you.  My anger will result in lives being saved. 

When your family member gets murdered, you can stop living too , or you can live your life so that it honors his memory.  I plan to make Jace shine. 

When your family member gets murdered, you can hate, or you can forgive.  I’m going to find a way to forgive, because if I don’t it will hurt me more than it will hurt him.  I won’t let him hurt me again.

(You can insert your own bad thing for ‘when your family member gets murdered.’)

I feel like I have had more than my fair share of bad things happen to me in my life.  I’ll give you the list later.  But today I want to look Satan in the eye and say,

I'm going to be what God wants me to be

and nothing's stopping me, especially you!

I’m glad I have such wonderful role models in this little girl’s family.  I’m humbled by their strength and courage.  I’ll post her entire statement below.  She deserves to be heard and honored.  The family reads this blog.  Tell them you’re proud of them too. 

Statement:

You need to respect your punishment,

that was a bad thing you did.

I don't want you hurting anybody else

that's why you should be in jail forever,

so accept it.

God made you but you are not like God's person,

you are the devil's person.

You should have been on God's side

and this would never have happened.

Back then I was the little angel fish

and you were the great white shark.

Now I'm the great white shark

and you're the little clown fish.

I'm going to forget all about you

and go on with my life how I want it to be

without any bad person stopping me.

I was only five years old, now I'm eight.

I'm going to be what God wants me to be

and nothing's stopping me, especially you!

I Didn't Understand. Now I Do.

I’ve been counseling children and families for a little over four years now.  I’ve talked to a lot of people who have lost loved ones, and many whose losses were due to violent crimes.  It’s the nature of the areas I work in.  Right now I feel like I need to go back and apologize to every child and every mom who I gave “grief” counseling to.  I feel like I need to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness from my best friend who lost both her parents.  I had no idea how overwhelming and all consuming the pain was.  I didn’t understand what sad felt like until now.  

I keep trying to put it out of my mind.  I take little vacations from the heart ache where I can concentrate on work or talking to someone about something else.  But under the surface there is a constant dull ache.  A pain somewhere below my heart and above my stomach that hasn’t gone away yet.  I don’t know if it will.  I’m afraid it won’t.  Then when I’m driving or when I first wake up in the morning, it hits me like a punch in the gut.  My life will never be the same.  I will never hold him again or kiss his owies or sing songs with him.  How can that be possible?  How can this really have happened?  

I’m trying to handle this right.  I’m trying to make good out of the bad, but every second right now is just really really hard.  I have counseled other people , “You just know this is going to be a hard time, and you have to let yourself be sad.  It is the right time to be sad.  But the hard time won’t last forever.  It will get better.”  I really hope I didn’t lie. 

To sum it up:  THIS ALL  SUCKS. 

On the other hand: God is still good.  

Ouch

Should I feel better now that someone has been arrested for killing Jace? I don't. I don't want the most important person in the world to me to have been murdered. I don't want him to be dead. I don't want my family talked about by people who don't know. I don't want anything, but to hear Jace's voice and for him to make his funny face right before he kisses me.

I want Jace to tell me "Get me a cookie right now." And then I want to correct him and then hear him say, "Get me a cookie right now, please." I want to drive in my car and hear him from the back seat say, "Stacey, I love you, Stacey." Nothing feels better. Nothing feels ok. I don't know how anything will ever feel good again.

We have appreciated so much all the support. We need it now. Don't believe everything you read. Pray for us. Pray for Leslie. There is a long road ahead. I'll try and post more tomorrow or the next day.

I Love Him Too Much

This is what I said at Jace's funeral today.  It did not feel like a celebration of his life to me, but I think it was supposed to.  It felt sad, and right now I feel angry.

This was the balloon send off at the funeral.  

I Love Him Too Much

I read in some of the literature that the hospital gave us that the amount of grief you feel for a person is in direct proportion to the amount of delight that person brought you.  I did not find that sentence very encouraging for my grieving process.  

Donnie, Andrea, and I always argue about how much our left arms are worth.  Andrea rolls her eyes and says she would not cut hers off for any amount of money.  Donnie and I think she’s dumb, and say we would gladly part with ours for an even million.  Today I can tell you that I would gladly give both my arms just to feel Jace hug my neck one more time.

A hug from Jace was more valuable to me than anything else I have ever received.  MY favorite place on earth was sitting in a char holding him while he rested his head on my shoulder.   Every second I spent with him was truly a gift.  My heart swelled with pride every time he would walk up to someone else and blow his boogers on their pants.  I laughed so hard at myself for teaching him to call the cardboard cut out that Val sent me of Edward Cullen, Daddy.  Jace was going to be living proof that all the parenting books worked.  He rarely had tantrums, you could distract him out of most bad behavior, and just say the words time out, and he would run up  and hug you.  He took care of all of us as much as we took care of him.  I miss hearing him scream Stacey! Stacey! Stacey! When I come in the door.  I miss calling him on the phone and him telling me to come play with him or let’s go a Stacey schoo.  Jace loved to sing.  He was a terrible dancer  - it looked more like a weird tribal stomp than anything else, but we loved to watch it. 

Jace introduced me to a new and wonderful side of my parents.  They were his grandparents and they excelled at that job.  He loved them like crazy, and I am proud of what they did for him.  I am proud of what my sister did for Jace and of what he did for her.  I have never seen her be more alive than those first days when she was determined to do everything she could to get Jace healthy. 

Everyone who met Jace loved him.  He was generous with his love.   Jace combined the phrases I love you too and I love you so much into “I love you too much.”  And he did love us too much.  I am proud that he loved me so much and I am proud that I got the chance to love him mosty mosty.   Which was how he always won the I love you more argument. 

Lately I’d been looking forward to the days when I would get to show Jace the mountains and the ocean and Disney world.  I was consulting with other therapists on how we could desensitize him from him fear of things that move and make noise.  He would run screaming from remote control cars, so I was worried A Small World would be his worst nightmare.  Those moments will never happen.  They  were stolen from me, but I will get something even better.   I wanted to show Jace all those things but now he will get to show me around heaven instead. 

When we were in the hospital we prayed and you prayed that God would heal Jace.  I just knew that if he was ok – it would be such a miracle.  That people would believe.  That he would help so many people with his life.  But you know what – God did heal his body.  God did give him eternal life.  And he has already helped people.  There have been stories of people hugging their kids more, of looking at life differently, of reaching out to Jesus. 

There isn’t a reason this happened.  God did not take Jace from us.  God did not ignore our cries for help.  The devil is a liar.  The devil is the enemy.  Satan took Jace from us.  It is time to fight back.  This didn’t happen to us SO we could help others, but we will help others because this happened.  Good will come from it.  I’m not going to ask you for money today.  I promise I will do that later.  Today I’m asking you to fight with us.  To fight the injustice in a world where children are hurt.  To answer their cries for help before they are laying in a hospital bed.  To be a voice for the kids that can’t be heard.  I can’t do it by myself.  I have been working for years to reach a child here and a family there.  I have helped some, but this is not enough.  Oklahoma is among the worst in the nation for violence against children.   We have to do more.  Good people have to stand up and say this has to change.  Then after they say it they have to put their words into actions.  Please don’t forget Jace.  Please help us make his life count for something.  Don’t forget about him next week when there is laundry to be done or sports to watch on TV.  Keep Jace in your heart.  Jace touched all our lives with his smile and his joy – don’t let that stop.  Help him reach more.  Keep standing with us and fighting the darkness on his behalf.  Start by giving your entire hearts to loving  your own children, protecting them, and teaching them that they are children of God.  You have the opportunities we don’t now – don’t take that for granted. 

We all want Justice for Jace, but most of all he deserves to be honored by our lives.  He gave us so many gifts, but I think if there was one last thing he could give you it would be, and I quote his words – “Jesus and God.”  One of the videos we watched over and over together talked about “The Hope of Easter” 

This hope means Jace isn’t dead.  It means he’s alive, dancing off beat and singing as loud as he can.  Jace understood the simplicity of child like faith – he understood that he was “A child of God” and that “Jesus makes us all better.”  If this is not something you have figured out on your own yet – it is time to start believing with us.  For years I have been telling my family that I am always right.  They are finally starting to believe me.  Let me remind you – I am always right –And I’m right when I tell you that God is alive.  Jesus died because he loves you too much and more than you need anything else – you need his love in your life.  I stand before you as living proof that following Jesus does not make life easy – but Jace was right,   Jesus makes it better. 

Time for Veggie Tales

I wanted to tell a cute story about Jace.  For a while I was worried about him.  I would say, "Jace do you love Jesus?"  Jace would answer, "Nuh uh."

This kind of devastated me.

A few months ago I started getting him to watch Veggie Tales.  At first he was like, "No, Barney!" I was steadfast in my resolve though, and Bob and Larry eventually won him over.

We watched Dave and the Giant Pickle over and over as well as other episodes.  It was from Veggie Tales that Jace learned "I'm a child of God!"

The best part though was the theme songs.  We would sing it and instead of the word 'celery,' Jace would say, "cereal."  It was the cutest thing ever.  Then duing the last line we would sing, "IT'S TIME FOR VEGGIE TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALES!"  as loud as we could and then laugh ridiculously.  It was one of my favorite things to do with him.

I tried to get it on video once, but he would only whisper cereal.  Really I credit Veggie Tales for making a difference in his life.  He started talking about Jesus more and the last time I took him to church with me, he wanted to go in the big service to sing.  He stood up singing - or at least making music without singing words.  I'm grateful to the veggie tales creators for helping us teach Jace about God before he died.

I still miss him so much that I feel like I can't breathe half the time.  The funeral will be Monday.  I just hope we can honor his life in a way he deserves.  Alot of people are asking about donations or memorials, etc.

Cards and stuff can be sent to us at c/o Christview 2525 S Garnett Ave Tulsa, OK 74129

Friends have started a Justice for Jace fund that will be used to help with funeral expenses and any left over money will be used to start something in Jace's honor to help other children.  I think they will add a pay pal to this blog at some point.

Thanks again for every word.  They have meant a lot to us.
This is what Jace looked like when he first came home from the hospital.  

Someone Else's Miracle

It doesn't seem fair that someone else gets to hug their baby before they sleep tonight.  It doesn't seem fair that Jace had to die so that other people could be happy.  I know it's right though.  Keeping his heart won't bring him back.  Instead it will beat inside of another little person, and maybe a little bit of Jace's joy will rub off on them. 

His heart is going to a baby in Missouri, his kidneys to a young child in OKC, and his liver to a teenager in San Antonio.  Jace's name means "healer" and today he is doing that for others.  I have seen him heal my dad from perpetual blahs.  I have seen him heal my mom from feeling like she had no purpose in life.  I have seen him heal my sister in every way.  He has made my life worth living everyday for the last 2 years, six months, and 28 days and healed my chronic lonliness.  I miss him so much I feel like I the grief will swallow me whole.  I never understood phrases like that until now.  I never understood being so upset that you don't feel like eating. 

I have had several other friends who seemed to love Jesus with all their hearts give up on him.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HIM.  I don't understand why.  But I don't know everything.  Losing Jace with Jesus is hard enough.  I cannot imagine losing Jace without him.  And if I took the time I could probably make this more eloquent, but for those of you I am writing about now - Jesus still hasn't given up on you.  I want you to meet Jace someday. 

This makes me think of the story Jesus told about the house built on the sand and the one built on the rock.  My house isn't going to fall.  If it can stand through this it can stand through anything.  Some of you need to rebuild your houses in a better place. 

I am now going to tell my favorite person in the entire universe "See ya la'er!" 

Pictures of Jace

If you have any pictures or videos of Jace please email them to picsofjace@gmail.com  We are making something for the service.  We will be having the service on Monday but won't know the time until tomorrow morning.