I Love Him Too Much

This is what I said at Jace's funeral today.  It did not feel like a celebration of his life to me, but I think it was supposed to.  It felt sad, and right now I feel angry.

This was the balloon send off at the funeral.  

I Love Him Too Much

I read in some of the literature that the hospital gave us that the amount of grief you feel for a person is in direct proportion to the amount of delight that person brought you.  I did not find that sentence very encouraging for my grieving process.  

Donnie, Andrea, and I always argue about how much our left arms are worth.  Andrea rolls her eyes and says she would not cut hers off for any amount of money.  Donnie and I think she’s dumb, and say we would gladly part with ours for an even million.  Today I can tell you that I would gladly give both my arms just to feel Jace hug my neck one more time.

A hug from Jace was more valuable to me than anything else I have ever received.  MY favorite place on earth was sitting in a char holding him while he rested his head on my shoulder.   Every second I spent with him was truly a gift.  My heart swelled with pride every time he would walk up to someone else and blow his boogers on their pants.  I laughed so hard at myself for teaching him to call the cardboard cut out that Val sent me of Edward Cullen, Daddy.  Jace was going to be living proof that all the parenting books worked.  He rarely had tantrums, you could distract him out of most bad behavior, and just say the words time out, and he would run up  and hug you.  He took care of all of us as much as we took care of him.  I miss hearing him scream Stacey! Stacey! Stacey! When I come in the door.  I miss calling him on the phone and him telling me to come play with him or let’s go a Stacey schoo.  Jace loved to sing.  He was a terrible dancer  - it looked more like a weird tribal stomp than anything else, but we loved to watch it. 

Jace introduced me to a new and wonderful side of my parents.  They were his grandparents and they excelled at that job.  He loved them like crazy, and I am proud of what they did for him.  I am proud of what my sister did for Jace and of what he did for her.  I have never seen her be more alive than those first days when she was determined to do everything she could to get Jace healthy. 

Everyone who met Jace loved him.  He was generous with his love.   Jace combined the phrases I love you too and I love you so much into “I love you too much.”  And he did love us too much.  I am proud that he loved me so much and I am proud that I got the chance to love him mosty mosty.   Which was how he always won the I love you more argument. 

Lately I’d been looking forward to the days when I would get to show Jace the mountains and the ocean and Disney world.  I was consulting with other therapists on how we could desensitize him from him fear of things that move and make noise.  He would run screaming from remote control cars, so I was worried A Small World would be his worst nightmare.  Those moments will never happen.  They  were stolen from me, but I will get something even better.   I wanted to show Jace all those things but now he will get to show me around heaven instead. 

When we were in the hospital we prayed and you prayed that God would heal Jace.  I just knew that if he was ok – it would be such a miracle.  That people would believe.  That he would help so many people with his life.  But you know what – God did heal his body.  God did give him eternal life.  And he has already helped people.  There have been stories of people hugging their kids more, of looking at life differently, of reaching out to Jesus. 

There isn’t a reason this happened.  God did not take Jace from us.  God did not ignore our cries for help.  The devil is a liar.  The devil is the enemy.  Satan took Jace from us.  It is time to fight back.  This didn’t happen to us SO we could help others, but we will help others because this happened.  Good will come from it.  I’m not going to ask you for money today.  I promise I will do that later.  Today I’m asking you to fight with us.  To fight the injustice in a world where children are hurt.  To answer their cries for help before they are laying in a hospital bed.  To be a voice for the kids that can’t be heard.  I can’t do it by myself.  I have been working for years to reach a child here and a family there.  I have helped some, but this is not enough.  Oklahoma is among the worst in the nation for violence against children.   We have to do more.  Good people have to stand up and say this has to change.  Then after they say it they have to put their words into actions.  Please don’t forget Jace.  Please help us make his life count for something.  Don’t forget about him next week when there is laundry to be done or sports to watch on TV.  Keep Jace in your heart.  Jace touched all our lives with his smile and his joy – don’t let that stop.  Help him reach more.  Keep standing with us and fighting the darkness on his behalf.  Start by giving your entire hearts to loving  your own children, protecting them, and teaching them that they are children of God.  You have the opportunities we don’t now – don’t take that for granted. 

We all want Justice for Jace, but most of all he deserves to be honored by our lives.  He gave us so many gifts, but I think if there was one last thing he could give you it would be, and I quote his words – “Jesus and God.”  One of the videos we watched over and over together talked about “The Hope of Easter” 

This hope means Jace isn’t dead.  It means he’s alive, dancing off beat and singing as loud as he can.  Jace understood the simplicity of child like faith – he understood that he was “A child of God” and that “Jesus makes us all better.”  If this is not something you have figured out on your own yet – it is time to start believing with us.  For years I have been telling my family that I am always right.  They are finally starting to believe me.  Let me remind you – I am always right –And I’m right when I tell you that God is alive.  Jesus died because he loves you too much and more than you need anything else – you need his love in your life.  I stand before you as living proof that following Jesus does not make life easy – but Jace was right,   Jesus makes it better.